Humor | My name on Social Media is “No One”

Creative Corner

My name on Social Media is “No One”. Thats right, first name – no last name – one. That way every time I “like” someone’s mind numbing post it now says “No one likes this”

Many of my old friends that I’ve known since I was young are on Facebook. Back in the day they would lose their head if someone found their precious little secret diary! And now look at them. Their whole life is on display on Facebook. Little do they now care that the whole world now knows which public toilet they just came out of.

Don’t you think Facebook is like your wife: asking you every day -“What’s on your mind?”. It seems to me that for Pakistani users it’s more like “Tell the whole world every single thing that is on your mind!”

Those of you that have ever visited this part of the world may have noticed a close resemblance between Facebook and the chalking you see on walls. When I last visited Pakistan with my son last year, he saw this chalking and remarked, “What is written here, Dad?” For once in my life I was glad he can’t read Urdu! A few attempts at trying to dodge answering the question failed, as my clever little son reloaded with more questions. Finally, I succeeded, “This, son, is the Facebook timeline in Pakistan”. He didn’t want to know any more. After a visit to the typical disgraceful public toilet in Pakistan, he commented on the wall chalking in toilet, “Baba, I guess this is the twitter of Pakistan!”

Moving on about wall chalking, let me share a few of the wonderful messages written on walls; it was written: “Pakistan ka matlab kya…Haseena Beauty parlour”. These two different messages were merged together narrating the fact.

Right next to this lovely message was the warning:

“It is against the law to urinate, write or stick posters on this wall. Violation will lead to legal action as defined by the penal code of Pakistan.” Oh look how effectively the “penal code” is implemented in this glorious country against the innocent urinators!

Doctors today are suffering the greatest threat to their profession yet: Facebook. Because let’s face it: who needs a doctor when you have a newsfeed. I have found the cure to every ailment possible ever since I found this source of never-ending medical wisdom on Facebook! Every morning when I check my Facebook feed, lo and behold, I find the most astonishing claims for avoiding diseases. Apparently, I now have the “secret” to COMPLETE masculine energy. All I need to do is purchase this “secret” herbal medicine, discovered in the jungles of CHECHOO KI MALIAN. A secret which was only shared with…. I don’t know…. 3 million people? It makes me wonder, how come we keep discovering secrets for masculine energy. No secrets left to discover for feminine energy?

I am now not only an expert on masculine energy but also a spiritual guru, thanks yet again, to Facebook. I now know at least 50 different ways to reach heaven, including chanting mantras, wearing ruby necklaces and eating goats cheese. Most of all, Facebook has made me an informed citizen of the world. I am now the first to know when Obama comes out of a public toilet, when Selena Gomez does her waxing and when strangers randomly start dancing to Gangnam style in a mall. I also know all the vitally important on-goings of my close friends and relatives.

Facebook allows me to stalk people without breaking the law. The other day, thanks to Facebook, I received breaking news that my friend had egg-fried rice for dinner and vanilla cheesecake for dessert. The next morning he went to the Veterinarian because his girlfriends’ cat needed a check-up. I also learnt the intricacies of a crew hairstyle from another friend. It was insufficient for him to simply post a picture after his haircut, he needed to clarify: “A crew cut graduated in length from the longest hair at the front hairline to the shortest at the back of the crown”.

Another fascinating aspect of the Pakistani Facebook experience is all the wonderful poetry. It seems that you simply cannot rid yourself of poets. If you decide to block one of these literary geniuses, suddenly ten others show up out of nowhere. It’s like the story of hydra, you can cut its head off, but two new heads grow. In this part of the world, it seems we have so many poets that scientists have found a genetic link between Pakistani DNA and Facebook poetry.

I had an interesting exchange with one of my e-friends in America who has a weird fascination for donkeys. He sends me a new picture every day with a donkey. One day I said to him, “You know Dave, if you like donkeys so much you should visit Pakistan. We have an abundance of them here! The last time the census counted the population, they included donkeys as well in their estimate. In Pakistan, we have donkeys in the farm, on the streets, and most of them have their Facebook accounts.”

I recently found an excellent relationship advisor, on Facebook by the name of Wise Friend, who helped solve all my troubles with my wife. Previously, I was getting bombarded every night with her yack-yack after a tired day at work. On his advice, I bought a new smart phone for my wife and created a Facebook account for her. NOW, I can finally say… I’m a happily married man. A cell phone with your wife’s Facebook account is the best marriage counselor in the world!

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Muhammad Nasrullah Khan is the publisher of Creative Corner. His short stories and poems are well-recognized internationally for his unique style. His creative work has appeared in Adbusters, Evergreen review, Indiana Voice Journal, Newtopia Magazine, Gowanus Books,Offcourse literary Journal University at Albany, The Raven Chronicles, and many others. His book is available on Amazon at: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08D7WZXVL

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