Society has normalized drinking as the thing to do in any situation. We aren’t shown healthy coping mechanisms. We are conditioned that escape is the answer.
New mothers are encouraged to drink when dealing with a fussy child.
Drinking is everywhere; you can’t escape it. Its never been a better time to be an alcoholic.
Having a drinking problem is almost glamorized, and encouraged at a young age. Don’t get me wrong; drinking is fun; I will miss it, but I won’t miss the consequences of my actions or the actions of others I associated with while drinking.
I’m still torn between was the abuse Narcissism with my Ex or was it Alcoholism? Who knows? It was probably both. But she will never quit drinking long enough to figure out what the issues are going on. It’s her escape to her next escape and delusion. Not only was it her escape, but it was mine also.
Anxiety
I was to the point for me to be around her; I had to drink to calm the anxiety and racing thoughts. I could never wrap my head around all her lies, manipulation, and cheating.
Whenever I wanted to bring something up, I’d just keep my mouth shut until I got some "liquid courage" in me then the lid would blow! Alcohol does nothing but fuel emotions and feelings of rage. Just being around the environment in which she lives made me want to escape.
It’s a horrible way to live, underage kids drinking and smoking pot, house a mess, complete chaos. But I was right in the mix, so what did I do? Drink! I believe I was subconsciously putting myself in that mess to escape the chaos of my own mind! As a matter of fact, I know I was!
Drinking alone
When I wasn’t with her, the thoughts of who she was talking to caused me anxiety. I started drinking alone more and more. Then with the drinking, I would start thinking and snooping around where I knew I’d find lies and deception from her I didn’t want to see. Usually on Social media.
Then when I found it, the relationship would blow again. I already knew more lies and deceit were there, but I wouldn’t believe it. I kept lying to myself when she showed me exactly who she was with her actions, because her words could never be trusted. I never met a person who lies as much as she.
Slows the healing process
If you do happen to break free, which is hard to do without drinking, it won’t help if you continue to drink. You have to process the emotions and accept who this person is with a clear mind. You can’t do it in an altered state of mind. You have to be on top of your game to deal with the inevitable emotional pain and trauma bond soon following the break-up. If you continue to drink, you will prolong the misery as you will fall prey to their promises and delusional truth when they say they are changing.
In the end, this person brought out in me what was already there. It was lying a bit dormant, but it was there waiting to wake up. And she woke it up in a big way! Everything in my life was flipped upside down when I met her. Everything from my drinking problem to childhood abuse I have left untreated for years. Initially, I saw many red flags with her, but ignored them as I cringed in comfort.
The coping takeaway
I’ve concluded I have little self-worth or respect for myself to stay with someone for 5 years who treated me poorly. Not only that, I started hating myself for the reactions I started to have, especially when drinking. I want to tell myself she deserved every bit of the verbal beat-downs of truth I gave her, but that’s not who I am. My guilt consumes me, I have to come to terms with it.
Did she hurt me? Yes, she did, more than I ever thought imaginable. But that doesn’t mean I had to match her abuse with abuse. I honestly believe had I not been drinking, I would have left long ago. But there was a comfort there. She enabled my dysfunctional side; she didn’t encourage growth; she encouraged that exact opposite, toxicity.
The thing is, I see it, and she doesn’t.
If it’s Narcissism, well, the outcome is bleak. She will never know if it was just alcoholism because she told me she would never quit drinking.
I’ve concluded some things are better left alone.
And her issues and her drinking is hers to deal with, not mine.
I have my own life to sort out.
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