Two Reasons I Write on Narcissism; Although I Hate it

Chris Freyler

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It’s been two and a half years since I started writing on this disorder. I am was approaching three months removed but her manipulation and vulnerability sucked me back in.

I often question if it is Narcissist abuse or just your run-of-the-mill asshole I dated that had some severe issues. But the more I write about it, the more people I’ve had relate to my stories. So, for now, I’m just holding on to “maybe” it is Narcissism, but it was 100% abusive. And if someone loves you, they would never repeatedly treat you the way my ex treated me.

And this last go around proved just that, she never did nor does she love me at all.

I get clarity through writing.

Wait, do I? At least, this is what I tell myself. My main focus is removing my two main distractions from my life, toxic relationships and booze. It’s not easy by any means. It’s almost like I have to learn life from the beginning. Because everything I learned in my childhood and relationships was all wrong. I was conditioned with the wrong kind of conditioning. It’s like trying to learn to walk all over again with no help.

While my followers from here and on Quora help with the validation I need after experiencing this type of abuse, I’m not sure it’s helping. I always have intentions of venturing off and writing about other things than what keeps me in this state of frustration and fear. But for some reason, I can’t pull the trigger.

The thoughts of me ever rekindling any kind of relationship with my ex has is all but a distant memory for the most part. I have no desire to contact her, nor do I care what she is doing, but the damage has been done. The biggest issue I face is accepting I was damaged way before she came into my life. She appeared to show me what I need to work on, which was the painful part of this lesson.

So, for now, I write about it and try to better understand myself. But I’m beginning to think I am writing on the wrong topic. There is nothing more I need to learn on the subject, but there is plenty I need to know and discover about myself.

Spreading awareness to those new to this type of abuse

I can feel the pain of others when they send me a DM explaining their abusive situation. I can feel their frustration, confusion, and anger. They are where I was 4 years ago. Yea, I know, the off and one with this girl has been brutal.

I get DM’s and comments from many who followed my miserable shit show over on Quora for the past 2 years. They thank me for putting into words what they can’t.

Sharing my story of what I went through helps them, but it helps me more than they know. I appreciate all the comments and DM’s. I wish I could tell them to have more hope. But when you are in the trenches with this type of abuse, it’s hard to think of a way to escape. You feel trapped and enslaved by the very person you have learned to despise. There is no worst feeling in the world other than craving someone that has done the most horrendous acts to you. All because you are trauma bonded and didn’t know what was happening until you are hooked.

Closing thoughts

In the end, I just keep pushing through. I have my good days and more bad for now. I desperately search for a healthy escape to put me on the personal path to self-discovery. I am becoming more aware every day, but the world, in general, is depressing. I wholly believe we are experiencing Narcissistic abuse on a grand scale, and most have fallen victim to global gaslighting and are unaware of it.

Narcissism isn’t going anywhere, and it’s becoming a dog-eat-dog world. I believe some of my empathetic side has been taken from me. I am finding it very hard to trust people, and if I do trust someone, it’s usually the wrong person. That has everything to do with me and not them. I am still living in a world of expectations.

I’m not sure giving 100% trust in someone is ever a good idea. But maybe I will think differently once I can trust myself and learn from the person whose trust matters.

Mine.

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I'm spreading awareness, hope, and experiences. I write on psychology, mental health, spirituality and awarness.

Cincinnati, OH
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