The relationship is on again! You can’t believe you two are finally back together! It might work this time. She really seems like she loves and cares for me this time! It’s been so long since I’ve seen her, the good memories have slowly replaced the torment I’ve endured over the years! Thank freaking god!
My Gawd, we had a fantastic night!
I missed this feeling so much! We ate, drank, hugged, kissed, and talked about our future. It really does seem promising this time. Maybe she finally picked “me,” and I can quit worrying about who else she has on the side.
My lord, it’s like old times! She’s texting me again with emojis, telling me she loves me, telling me she wants me at her house every night! She’s saying the only way it can work is if we spend more time together so she can prove to me there is no one else. This is precisely what I was waiting for the last four years!
I’m not gonna lie, I’m a little jaded, and it feels a little off, almost sinister. She’s said this before, but it’s been so long since she’s shown me this level of attention, I can’t pass it up! My soul has been craving it! And she seems so vulnerable and willing again. I haven’t seen this side of her in the better part of a year.
It feels good, but I almost feel a sense of shame taking over me.
I actually feel disgusted with myself. While the smothering of attention feels euphoric, it doesn’t have that magic pop it used to. It doesn’t feel genuine. I feel like a piece of used meat. The more I am away from her, the more I discover what she is all about.
I started to question again why I wasn’t good enough the other 20+ times. Why was I always chosen last over everyone else? The disgust I feel with myself is overwhelming. I feel like I’m being used. I feel like she doesn’t have other "options," and I’m “it.” I feel like I am settling again like I said I’d never allow again, but the pull is too strong.
I begin to pull away; I think she senses it as I do that.
It’s a different feeling this time I can’t pinpoint. Almost like walking across a slippery floor at a gas station; with each step, you slowly slide your foot, so you don’t lose balance and fall. But you keep walking, because you need to pay for your gas.
When we are together, I still feel distant. I ask her questions, but they go unanswered. She is good at redirecting my question away from the issue I want to address, or she will just sit in silence. The triggers of the past begin to resurface. That familiar nauseating feeling of betrayal is creeping over me.
This feeling is all too familiar, I know, my body is telling me, but my mind is speaking nonsense.
The texts begin to slow down
The invites to spend the night get less and less, as do the I love you emojis. I start to feel like a nuisance and not that important anymore. This time it was short-lived, less than eight days, and the cycle is repeating itself.
The plans to spend time together get met with “let’s do it tomorrow; I have to get some work done.” Or “I promised my mom dinner.” The odd sinking feeling has hit me. She didn’t say she would call when she got home. It’s night, she doesn’t drive at night, and she drinks. She can’t be going to her mom’s. Can she?
Here is where the torture starts, the ruminating thoughts of insanity
It’s happening again, you stupid moron! You fell for her crap again! When will you learn?!? You are angry but afraid to say anything, and you don’t want to ruin the "potential" of what could transpire! You can make it work if you just trust her, like she says! That’s all you have to do! Your mind, body, and soul can’t take another round of betrayal.
History is repeating itself, and you let it happen again! You pick yourself up and fight off the anxiety because you know your fate. You know it’s a matter of time. You can’t contain your reactions to the lies; you know it’s all a lie.
The signs were there all along; it’s just that I didn’t listen. I know the signs, oh too well.
How do I know? By the intuition I always ignore.
My intuition was always correct, and I was always wrong.