Narcissists Cannot Comprehend Love Language

Carrie Wynn
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For those of you who aren’t aware, the five love languages are:

Quality time, words of affirmation, physical touch, gifts, and acts of service.

The question is… do these love languages apply if you are in a relationship with someone who is a narcissist?

Do they follow these same love languages and are you able to communicate what you need and get those needs fulfilled?

I’m afraid not. If you’re in a relationship with a Narcissist their perception of the love languages is going to look quite different then with a healthy-minded individual.

Quality time… when it’s convenient

I was always driving to my ex’s house and spending time with his friends. There was no balance and before I knew it I was always on his time. In fact, he only came to my house one time in the duration of our relationship and it’s only because he hitched a ride with someone else.

Everything was built around his schedule and he would only see me if it suited him.

First and foremost a Narcissist is going to do what serves them.

Even if you are willing to do all the work they aren’t necessarily going to give you what you are seeking unless it is feeding their supply and providing them what they need… on their terms.

Doing acts of service for them

You are going to be doing everything for the Narcissist the moment that the love-bombing phase is over.

Although they were more likely romantic at the beginning of the relationship the sweet gestures and thoughtfulness will come to an abrupt end.

It doesn’t matter if you’re cooking, cleaning, paying the bills, you will always feel like you are walking on eggshells.

If you aren’t constantly giving them what they want then you will be berated and shamed until you somehow feel like you are the one not giving enough in the relationship.

They will find something that you aren’t doing and before you know it all of your time and energy is going towards trying to make someone happy who cannot be fulfilled.

You are expected to give them gifts

I have always loved giving people gifts and trying to find something special that I know they will like. With the Narcissist it felt different. It felt like there was pressure and like he wasn’t going to be appeased no matter what I did.

After some extensive thought, I ended up getting him an expensive platinum ring I had gotten customized online for his birthday.

What did he get me for my birthday?

He literally threw a baseball hat at me and said: “I got this for you and if you don’t wear it I can” and then he laughed.

When you are in a relationship with a Narcissist you are expected to appease them and they will feel absolutely no obligation to return the favor.

Showering them with words of affirmation

Narcissists often suffer from a lack of confidence which is why they are constantly seeking out someone who will tell them the things that they want to hear.

They want to hear how sexy they are. They want to hear how smart they are. They want to hear how they are the most important and amazing people in your life and how you could never live without them.

Even though you will happily tell them these things because you most likely believe it they will not return the favor.

You will be broken down by their words and they will tear you down instead of building you up.

The more you tell them you love and need them without receiving any kind of real response you will begin to realize that they are not providing your feelings any kind of validation.

Physical touch only when it’s allowed

Intimacy is a weapon for a Narcissist.

The connection is often so strong and powerful that they know once their victim is in too deep that they can use it as a method of control.

In the beginning, they will be all in tune with your wants and desires and will only want to please.

As time goes on intimacy becomes a tool that they will slowly withhold. It is something that will be withheld as a punishment to make you work harder to get their love and affection even though you never truly had it.

The Narcissist will not take the time to learn what your love languages are because they truly do not care.

Trying to have a healthy relationship with them won’t work because they don’t follow the normal rules of respect and mutual give and take as a healthy person would.

The only thing you can do is to realize you are worth so much more and that you should only accept a relationship with someone that respects and cares for your needs.


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I am a writer & relationship consultant that primarily deals with narcissism, overcoming abuse & trauma, and self-love. Contact me @ Blog: Instagram: carrie_wynnmusings


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