Trauma Survivors Accept Love Differently

Carrie Wynn

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I didn’t ever think that I would carry the trauma from my past relationships for years but that is exactly what ended up happening.

I had once been so free-spirited and light-hearted but that part of me had disappeared. Instead, I had become someone that I didn’t even recognize anymore. I was wary of everyone that I met and trusting people felt next to impossible.

Then, I met someone really great. I got a point where my job was great, my friends were great, and my relationship was great. Everything was going splendid yet for some reason, I couldn’t stop myself from falling apart.

I eventually sought therapy and began working through my past but if I could go back in time I would have educated myself more. By learning how to communicate my feelings, I could have saved my partner a lot of confusion along with myself.

If you are currently navigating a relationship with someone that has past trauma, here are some things that may help you understand your partner better.

#1. Their lack of trust isn’t because of you.

Trust is one of the pivotal parts of a healthy relationship. However, after the trauma, it took me a very long time to accept that my partner was exactly the person that he portrayed himself to be.

If your partner has been manipulated, gaslighted, love-bombed, or emotionally/ physically abused it can be extremely difficult for them to accept things at face value anymore.

It’s important that you realize that your partner doesn’t trust you because of anything you did, it’s just going to take them longer than normal to open themselves up due to their volatile past.

#2. You need to watch your language.

“Crazy, over-reacting, stupid, broken…”

As a victim of gaslighting and verbal abuse, I was told these things many times. I was manipulated into believing that I was crazy and that nothing I ever felt was valid.

I also began having reactions to small things that were explosive and seemingly out of the blue.

Recognize that your words could be triggering something in your partner that they are struggling to deal with even if you had no mal intentions.

#3. Remind them that they have an equal say.

I was so used to being forced to remain silent that I forgot what it felt like to have an opinion until my partner asked me mine.

A relationship should be a balance of power and one person shouldn’t try to hold all of the power.

In many cases, your partner has a voice but they may need your assurance to build their confidence back up.

Let them know that you want things to be 50/50 and the more that they get involved in decision making, the more decisions they will be able to make.

#4. Ensure that they acknowledge your feelings.

There are certain times that I need my partner to be extra sensitive to my feelings even when they aren’t “rational” because I’m struggling.

That being said, trauma is not an excuse to push someone’s buttons and limits. It is not an excuse to constantly take unresolved feelings out on someone else.

If your partner is taking out their anger and rage from the past out on you, then you have every right to call them out for their behavior, which you can do in a loving way that is still firm.

By understanding and empathizing with your partner’s past you will be able to provide them the support that they need and also recognize when their behavior isn’t a reflection of you.

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I am a writer & relationship consultant that primarily deals with narcissism, overcoming abuse & trauma, and self-love. Contact me @ Blog: carriewynn.com Instagram: carrie_wynnmusings

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