Phot by Ryan Franco on Unsplash
Here are two exercise to help you get a clearer picture.
The following exercises are adapted from a book for single people, titled “Getting The Love You Want,” by Harville and Helen Hendricks. You can check out their version, which starts with listing the negative and positive traits of our parents, which they contend is what we look for in partners.Then list the traits of the partners we’ve chosen, and circle all the ones that are the same or similar. It’s a very powerful perspective.
For this article, I adapted it to simply list the traits of my past important love relationships. There have been seven. I've lived awhile. I hope my examples will aid you in doing your own lists and discovery.
Here is what I found with the first exercise.
Under each person’s name, I listed all the traits their positive traits. I also listed the most obvious negative ones any of them had that I don’t want ever again.
The top ranked attributes, in that six of the seven had them, are the following:
Intelligence
Great sex
Calm
The next ones, with five of the seven having these traits, in no particular order are:
Friend
Good cook
Spiritual
Financially stable (at some point)
Activist for good causes
Caring and nurturing
Funny
Artistic/Creative
Finally:
Integrity
Good Father
Transparent
Real
The bad traits were:
Lying, cheating, and narcissistic gaslighting from three.
Several were unable or unwilling to commit at the time, for a variety of reasons. Proving to me on paper that I do tend to be drawn to very independent types. Or those who need therapy. Believe me, I understand both of those.
The second exercise was easier, quicker, and equally informative.
I asked myself, what qualities do I bring to a relationship? Here’s my answers:
Humor
Caring and nurturing
Spirituality
Sexuality
Transparency
Integrity
Activist for good causes
Creativity
Intelligence
Calm
Ability to commit when it’s right. Working on not being attracted to those who can’t commit when it’s right.
Financial Stability, though not independently wealthy.
All the things I also appreciate in a partner. Except independently wealthy would be nice, for either or both of us.
My negatives? I lied to my second love during a very turbulent time between us. It was a miserable experience, and I learned lying is way too much trouble, and hurts everyone. I’m still gullible myself after all these years. I have a temper, although it is largely tamed now. Flareups are very infrequent and short lived, but that wasn’t always the case.
I do have annoying traits. Sometimes even I’m annoyed by them. Constant humming, lack of good organization, a fluid notion of time, vanity. Things that could drive someone crazy, but aren’t deal breakers. I expect my partner to have some of those, too.
What did I discover that you might also discover?
My picker isn’t actually broken, as I had feared. Most of my loves have had a majority of positive characteristics that I need in a mate. I’ll bet you find the same.
I’m now more acutely aware that I attract and am attracted to people with some level of difficulty committing, or maybe just committing to me at a particular point in time. I can work with and on that.
Overall, what did I learn that you can learn from doing these two exercises?
That there is hope. You can get clear on what you want in and from a relationship. Then you can go find it, using what you now know.
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