Sunday Fiction: Jim is unsure of his girlfriend's love after almost two years of dating. He has to make a choice.
My name is Jim, and here is my story.
I dated my girlfriend, Arina, for almost two years. And I am unsure if she loves me. Things seem to be going well with us. My family accepts her for who she is. My mom loves her, and often, they do things together. Like Arina, I get along with most members of her family.
What is the problem?
We spent time together on Valentine's Day. However, I was worried about where our relationship was heading to. She told me she wanted no physical Valentine's gift but a walk in the wood. We did, and she seemed excited. After that, we cooked dinner in my apartment; I was in deep thought-- "I love her so much, but would she accept my proposal, and what about her mom?"
I called my mom yesterday and shared my fear with her, and she helped me focus on self-reflection and my needs and wants in a relationship.
When I am sharply judgmental of any other person, it’s because I sense or see reflected in them some aspect of myself that I don’t want to acknowledge." – Dr. Gabor Mate.
Our telephone conversation
"I'm thinking of proposing to Arina next month," I said.
"OMG! That's good news. I'm so excited. Tell me more about the plan," she asked.
" I have my doubt if Arina loves me. Is she loyal? Her mom is not as friendly with me as you are with her," I explained.
"Let's stick with Arina first. Can you tell me specific issues that make you think she doesn't love you for almost two years?" she asked.
"I have a feeling that she is not loyal to me. She prefers her friends more than me," I expressed my feelings.
"Okay. I'm smiling. Your dad said the same thing when we were dating. When was the last time you met with her, and for how long?" she questioned.
"Valentine's Day--we spent about two hours outdoors, went home, and made dinner for another two hours," I answered.
"Beautiful! I think you need to make a choice. Take the time to reflect on your own feelings and decide if you are ready for a committed relationship like marriage. Then talk to Arina honestly and openly express your true feelings, and ask questions about her mom, work, and friends. Afterward, share your concern about your fear and aspiration. You may postpone your proposal and work on yourself first," Mom advised.
"I love her so much," I interrupted her and told her how I felt about Arina.
Mom cleared her throat and said, "Love is fine. However, there are a few things you need to consider: Do you love yourself as you love and respect her? Are you sure you are ready to get married? Your best friend married last summer, and I know you want to marry too. Are you sure you love Arina for who she is?"
"I'm short of words. Okay, let me stop here. I'll gladly pay for a few therapy sessions if you want to visit a therapist. I suggest you talk to a professional to help you work on your doubt and fear before proposing to Arina or another woman. Arina may do the same. I like her a lot and hope you work things out with her. She is an independent thinker, and we get along fine," she added.
"Wow! I didn't expect so much from my mom, but she gave me many things to think about," my thought.
"I know that, but her mom is not like you," I corrected.
"That is true; her mom is not me, honey," she replied.
"Why do you think I should seek therapy?" I questioned.
"The professional will help your process your thoughts. There are a few things you may not want to tell me, Arina, or your best friend. Me too! There are a few things I don't tell your dad, my mom, or my best friend, but I can share them with a professional," she explained.
"Mom, let me think of all the questions and suggestions, and I'll get back to you. Thanks for listening. Please don't tell dad yet, " I concluded our phone conversation.
I'm reflecting on my conversation with my mom and taking the step to seek relationship counseling, and looking forward to having an open and honest conversation with Arina.
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