This is inspired by all the insipid lists blasted my direction from Buzzfeed.
I am proud to mention I did these from the top of my head, which I would have included (still talking about my head) as Rock number 10 if I had run out of other rocks.
1. The Pet Rock
There have been so many jokes written about the Pet Rock that I will be plagiarizing even if I make up a new one. Here’s one that I can never forget:
When I’m feeling shy, I like to think about my pet rock…
It always inspires me to be a little boulder
Do you know how to punish a pet rock?
You hit rock bottom.
Which this essay just did! Yes!
We’re aiming for dumb here folks!
2. The Rock (the man) Dwayne Johnson
Rather than hitting Rock’s bottom (unwise) give spanks with his face.
3. Plymouth Rock
All I know about this rock is that it’s not worth the trip. Over-rated. In fact, here’s a picture. FOR REAL.
4. Rock of Gibraltar
Now this is an effing rock:
5. Rock me Amadeus
6. Chris Rock
7. Rock-a-Bye Baby (this one tied with the Rocky Horror Picture Show and Rocky and Bullwinkle, but the y’s gave it to our winner)
This is the Weekend’s music turned into the famous lullaby
8. Rock a doodle doo
This is apparently a typo and will reveal to those paying close attention that I had AI write this essay. Because we all know that AI can bring a fresh voice to anything!
9. Rock and Roll
10. The Rock (the movie)
All about Alcatraz, aka THE ROCK.
That’s it. You now know 10 rocks.
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