Carpet or No Carpet in Your Bathroom?

[Bad] Ideas | Scriptdog

CARPET DIEM

When a writer’s room becomes a bathroom

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A battle royale is brewing in a bathroom near me. And it’s not about the relationship between toilet paper and how it comes off the dispenser (away from the wall vs toward the wall — fire us up with your take in the comments. I’m in line with the way it is in the photo above, except I prefer not to dislocate my shoulder when reaching for it).

The current conflict is over bathroom flooring.

Should a bathroom be carpeted or not?

I was working a with a group of writers at one of the writer’s homes (not that the writer has more than one home, it’s one writer, and it’s his place), when we discovered he, Daniel, had a carpeted bathroom.

The project we were working on was a pilot for a comedy series and today was the day to punch up the material by adding as many funny moments as we could. We had been at it for a while, going page by page through the script with everyone pitching the lines, jokes, beats they had come up with during the week they had to prep.

We need a scene where the horse teaches him how to eat grass.
Does it have to be a horse? Funnier if it’s a goat.
Or a cow.

That kind of thing.

We were arranged in an informal room, enjoying Daniel’s snacks and drinks and making good progress.

I was thinking, right, she’s late for work and he’s like suck me baby, suck me, so maybe while she’s giving him a BJ she’s also blow drying her hair, right…
A blow job within a blow job.
The Inception of Blow Jobs-
And maybe she burns the hair off his nuts…

And that’s when Tony came back from taking a leak.

Dude, he said to Daniel, You got carpet in your bathroom.

We were all like, what the actual f…

We had to see for ourselves.

You’ve seen the Comedy Roasts, Roast Battles, whatever. This was like that, ‘cept different.
Why don’t you buy a small carpet thing, the kind that hugs the toilet’s bottom, you know, on the floor. Kinda wraps around the base.
You can use more than one rug, too, like they do in cars, for foot grip.
But I don’t pee in my car.
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I bet your carpet would feel great on my Athlete’s Foot.
Since when are you an athlete?
I bet you’d scoot your ass on it, too.
If we’re out of TP.
It smells like Feta soaked in Durian juice.
Have you ever sat on a toilet facing the wall? You can use the tank’s top as a table for a snack.
I’d be afraid of mushrooms growing out of the carpet.
Bathshrooms.
Every morning you gotta pick the bathshrooms.
It’s like you’re getting rid of yesterday’s food while picking today’s food. Quite efficient, y’ask me.
Maybe they could invent a kind of mat you could step on when you got out of the shower? That would be wild!
Or geothermal floors!
Once, we lived in a house with a carpeted bathroom and the subfloor was so rotten when my mom used the toilet she fell through the floor.
Talk about ptsd
Tptsd.
What I want to know, has anyone used one of them carpeted toilet seat covers?
You mean for the lid?
No, I mean for the seat part. You actually sit on carpet.
Go away.
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I’ve used the squishy cushion.
It’s like pooping into another butt.
How about you carpet inside the shower while you’re at it?
Can I ask a question? Why are you all pissing on the floor?
Maybe it’s a walk-in urinal?
If you want carpeting, maybe you can get the kind made out of laminate or ceramic or wood?
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Could double as a neck pillow on long flights.Photo byAuthor

Like any good story exec, I thought about taking the other position for a moment.

One might think it’s a no-brainer, right? Nobody wants moldy, musty, mildewy, piss carpet.

But… what if the carpet is washable? What if it comes up easily in sections that go into a standard washing machine and don’t screw up the dryer?

What if the primary user is elderly and appreciates a surface warmer than cold hard tile when they do the 4 am shuffle? What if they fall a lot? Do you want their broken hip on your conscience?

Sure, fungal spores and weak immune systems rarely place nice together, but the answer isn’t so clear cut now, IS IT?

Bring on the nuance.

I did research and here are some fun facts:

  • Back a few decades, home builders (DR Horton, for example) had carpet in the bathroom not only as an option, but as a standard feature and you could not have a bathroom without it. You could remove the carpet once you owned the home but the only choice you had as a potential buyer was what color you wanted your bathroom shag.
  • That’s all the research I did.

My guess is the builders back then had a shit ton of extra carpet and zero linoleum or laminate on hand.

Hon, why’s the floor wet?
I took a shower a couple days ago.

The roasting never let up.

Maybe the solution is rubber matting?
Like a locker room for a hockey team?

After a bit, we got back to work. Almost.

Okay, so on page four, our main guy tells his friend he names his dick “My Nose” so whenever his girlfriend says she has to “blow my nose” he’s like badaboom badabing…
Back up, what if instead of a horse or goat or cow, we have the guy live in a house with a carpeted bathroom. Way funnier.
Lose the horse?
Lose the horse.

So we gave our hero a carpeted bathroom.

Sometimes this is how the sausage is made.

Once this goes into production and gets on air, I’ll let y’all know and you’ll say hey…

I remember when [Bad] told us about this. I thought he was making it up.

I wish.

Please share in the comments what your views are: To Carpet or Not to Carpet… your bathroom. Who knows, you may end up inspiring a scene in our series! Woo hoo.

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Writer, Director, Producer of TV, Film and Stand-Up Comedy Tours in the MENA region and Asia. Writer's Guild, Director's Guild and Producer's Guild member. WARNING: Microdosing content will shift paradigm.

West Hollywood, CA
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