[Satire] Tiramashoe: When Cobbler Meets Cobbler

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Dessert takes a walk on the wild side

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My brother sells wine in Sonoma and when I recently visited him, he took me to Tiramashoe, a new bistro that he tells me is taking the world by storm.

If you think you’ve seen it all, get ready to re-wire your brain and eyes. Tiramashoe is a new fancy eatery that only serves footwear desserts.

Here you don’t walk a mile in another person’s shoes, you eat them.

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While we were waiting in the bizarrely long line to be seated, the owner came by and shared a bit of history. [He was wearing Reboks. At the end of the night he was barefoot. So there’s that.]

Owner Abe Toscana explains:

I grew up outside of Verona and my father was a shoe cobbler. My mother is a pastry chef. She specializes in Cherry Cobbler.
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People would come to our house where my father had his shop and mi mama her kitchen. Orders would get mixeda uppa so often that my parents decided the only way to right the ship was to combine their talents. Anyone who needed their shoe fixed got it back with a dessert. Anyone who ordered a dessert, got a shoe. [Note: his accent was shakier than his shortcake on a stiletto.]

If the shoe fits, eat it.

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He told us that his parents were inspired.

There are these stories bout how during the depression, people resorted to eating shoe leather. Personally, I think it was Charlie Chaplin who started the trend.
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Women love shoes, men love women in sexy shoes, why not turn them into the best meal of the day?
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Tiramashoe even has its own twist on carryout.

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What made you think this would work? I asked Abe.
All you have to do is look around. Everyone who comes in here, what’s the first thing they do?
Say hi?
Don’t be smart.
They wash their hands?
They sit down.
They sit down.
Which is what? He asked me.
What? What do you mean, what?
It’s them saying they are done using their feet.
Ah. I said.
They sit down and move all their weight from their feet to their bottoms, right?
The feet are forgotten, but the feet got them here and will get them home. Our motto, hanging over the oven is Eat Feet. Actually, it’s Eat Sweet Feet. Do you know why?
Tell me.
Have you ever eaten a dessert that has nothing to do with feet?
All the time, I said.
And what happens?
I… uh…
I’ll tell you what happens. You are excited, you eat, you get full, you have a belly ache, you want to lay down. When you eat with us…
Sweet Feet would be a good name for the place, I said.
Do you want to hear my story or not?
Sorry, go on.
When you eat with us, you are not eating empty calories, you are participating in an act of creation and destruction… We did the creation, but you destroy it.
Which is pretty much any meal in any kitchen or restaurant. This time it was my brother interrupting.
Who are you two? You want to hear my history or not?
Sorry. We both apologized. The desserts being paraded in front of us to the various tables made the wait seem worth it.
Abe continued:
When you enjoy a dessert here at Tiramashoe, you are becoming one with your body, your body is not going to turn on you, make you ache and wish to lay down, no your body is going to have a newfound appreciation for your body.
For my body or my shoes?
That’s it. You’re not eating here, neither one of you.
What’d we do?
March on out of here. Now.
Chef, relax, we’re just trying to understand.
Will you be silent?
When you look at a dessert here, you think about being a consumer on multiple levels. You want to buy the shoe or shoes, but you also want to eat them. It’s a level of satisfaction that you don’t get with a non-footwear delight. Double the pleasure.

We both remained silent, not sure if he was putting us on or not (no pun intended).

Our table was ready.

We sat down, taking our loads off, as he knew we would.

There was no menu, just a trolley and trays that meandered throughout the place.

We each picked something out.

I went with the Strawberry Stiletto’s and my brother ordered the Oxford Acorn Pie (which came with an edible sock):

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For dessert (which you can order after your main dessert) we shared the Chocolate Cherry Sprinkle Waffle Wedges.

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They have re-interpreted the common croc…

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And… Flip Flops and Cowboy boots which had an a la mode option…

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We have to go back another night for the

Banana Split Slippers

Wing Tip Truffles

Creme boot-lay

and Penny Loaf Pudding

Not surprisingly, they don’t have Bananas Foster. Nobody ever has Bananas Foster!

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They did have these though, Candy Strippers, which you have to pay for in dollar bills. Even though they create quite the sticky mess, no one ever finishes…

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Would I make reservations in the future?
I have reservations now, about ever going again.

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Writer, Director, Producer of TV, Film and Stand-Up Comedy Tours in the MENA region and Asia. Writer's Guild, Director's Guild and Producer's Guild member. WARNING: Microdosing content will shift paradigm.

West Hollywood, CA

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