A New Alex Jones Conspiracy [Satire]

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Airborne Peanut Particles and INFOWARS


I don’t really write about current events, but I had to give a shout out to Alex Jones’s lawyer. Good job, buddy!

Whoops, I accidentally gave the opposing counsel your entire phone’s contents. Whoops, I didn’t say it was privileged. Whoops, your goose is cooked. And not in a tasty way.
Wikimedia Commons
Mr. Lawyer Sir, can you hire yourself out to some of the other nimrods causing mayhem in the courts these days?

Here’s where this becomes truly remarkable. Check out this conspiracy that unfolded a short while ago and which nobody is talking about…YET.

Peanut Allergy on an Airplane During Covid

I was on a flight not long ago when masks were mandatory.

Everyone on the plane was masked up. So far so good.

Shortly into the flight, the lead flight attendant…

Remember when they were called space waitresses? Totally inappropriate. Can’t believe how far we’ve come.

…made an announcement that there would be NO PEANUTS served on the flight.

Because why?

Because there was a passenger with a severe allergy.



How can our masks be good enough to stop a deadly airborne virus and all its variants, but not good enough for one passenger to withstand peanut particles?

The flight attendant said the peanut packages, when opened, dispersed peanut particles into the air. The peanut particles would cause a fatal allergic reaction in said passenger.

My brain short-circuited. I could not follow the surreal logic of what just went down. It was a non-event for most people on board, but for me this was beyond weird.

How? What? Huh?

I’m sitting here jammed against the window, the middle seat next to me occupied by a guy I don’t know, the plane full, packed like sardines…

A Sardine Digression:

How did sardines become the poster children for being packed tightly? Why don’t we say packed tighter than a jar of Kalamata Olives? Or a container of Q-Tips? Or jammed together tighter than passengers in economy on Southwest?


Back to the Peanut Conspiracy

It’s not that I wanted the peanuts. I’ve had them before. Nothing to write home about. (Though, strangely, I’m writing about them now.)

I found the flight attendant and asked him…

How can these masks protect us, but not protect the peanut person?
If we have a passenger with an allergy, our lawyers won’t let us serve the peanuts.
Can’t they just NOT take the nuts?
They say it’s severe. And airborne. Listen, what can I tell you…?
I mean, we don’t stop serving alcohol and there are more people allergic to booze than peanuts.
You want to know how this became a thing? He asked.
If you have time. I mean, I see the little service light going on and there’s that dinging noise.
It’s 17B — he’s mad that he has a window seat with no window. Do I look like I design planes? Where am I going to move him? It’s full flight. I can give him a middle, but he wants a window.

He flipped a switch and then came back to our topic.

WikiMedia Commons
Corporate tells us that a year or so ago there was a lawyer on board who suffered an allergic peanut reaction and then sued the airline.
They settled for 3.6 million dollars in damages and penalties. But during the appeal, a new witness came forward, a woman who was sitting behind the lawyer. She saw him texting someone before the plane took off. According to her, she saw him type the words:
“I’m about to take off. Bring on the Peanuts. Bring on the Pain.”
The text caught her eye because, you know, see something say something. She was on high alert.

When this was shared with opposing counsel, they filed a motion to have the plaintiff’s phone records, his text messages, made available.

He had claimed, under oath, that he wasn’t texting while on the plane, that he had no signal.

But his lawyer (the lawyer’s lawyer for those following along), agreed to allow the defendant to have the records, because he believed his client, the lawyer, when he said he didn’t have a signal and thus there would be no texts to be found.

The lawyer was not only texting pre-flight, he was texting after the incident. He was faking his allergy. There were texts with the doctor who was a golfing buddy. Complete collapse of the case.

And guess what?

That lawyer who faked his allergy, appealed!

He said his rights to privacy were violated and that he now wanted treble (which I think means triple) damages.

Before I reveal the shocking detail that makes all of this a bigger INFOWAR than any INFOWAR in history, listen to this:

Peanuts are being banned on almost 100% of domestic and international flights!


But not as crazy as this:

The lawyer who falsely claimed a peanut allergy and won his millions but then lost on appeal, but then sued again for a privacy violation: his name is Alex Jones.

Not the INFOWARS Alex Jones. A different Alex Jones.

Which is crazy but not as crazy at this:

The guy in the seat without the window, his name is Alex Jones!

But that’s not all!

The Flight Attendant who told me the story?

His name is Howard. Which is the last name of the lady who spotted the text that destroyed the lawyer who faked his allergy!


I think not.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is NUTS!


PS: If you have a peanut allergy, I harbor no ill will and wish you many pain free safe flights in your future.

I grew up eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches every day all through school. My mom would make 10 each Sunday night, stuff ’em in baggies and freeze ’em. I took two a day and ate ’em in an open, mask-free, cafeteria.
Nobody died.

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Writer, Director, Producer of TV, Film and Stand-Up Comedy Tours in the MENA region and Asia. Writer's Guild, Director's Guild and Producer's Guild member. WARNING: Microdosing content will shift paradigm.

West Hollywood, CA

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