3 Reasons You Will Never Find the One. And One Better Reason Why You WILL

Ash Jurberg


This time, I’ve found the one.’

Ah, yes — ‘the one.’ A title for a mythical creature that many people search for. Like the Loch Ness Monster or an alien life form. It is the unicorn that we are all trying to find.

My daily feed is inundated with stories on how to find ‘the one.’ Six signs you are dating ‘the one.’ What to do when you are not with ‘the one.’

I was talking to my friend Kate, who was forever searching for her soul mate. As we had lunch, she told me that she was sure she had found the one this time. I hadn’t been keeping count, but this must have been the twentieth contender for the one over the time I had known her. That’s a lot of ones.

As I offered support as only a good friend can, I felt like taking a different approach. And telling her to throw out the concept of finding THE one and just finding SOMEone. Because there is no way we can ever find the one.

1. The numbers are against you

There are over 7.5 billion people crowded onto this planet of ours. Now, if you look at the mathematics and probability, then the chance of you coming across the only person in 7.5 billion is the perfect match for you is pretty damn low.

Even if you narrow down the requirements, and assume your soul mate is set at birth, is a similar age, and the love is recognizable at first sight, your chances of finding your soul mate is only 1 in 10,000 (0.010 percent). Still damn low. There is more chance of being injured by a toilet or being selected in the NBA draft.

2. We don’t think like the one

Mark Manson says, “Consider this: everyone wants a perfect partner, but few people want to be the perfect partner.” He says we obsess over finding the one but never consider ourselves to be the one.

Studies of online dating show that we tend to date people near our own perceived level of attractiveness, income, and education. We basically choose partners who we think are very near how we think about ourselves. If we don’t think like we are the one, then we won’t attract someone who is.

Ramani Durvasula, a psychologist, based in California, says if you believe in soulmates, it’s easy to think that you need someone else to complete you. She argues that a relationship should always be an enhancement rather than a necessity.

We aren’t working on ourselves, which should be the first priority.

3. The myth of perfection

When we compile a person to be the one, we create a person that is a mix of everything we want. It is the fantasy version of someone who, in all likelihood, doesn’t exist.

This is exacerbated by Social Media, where people post based on what they want the world to see. Photoshopped living their best lives.

If you’re searching for your soul mate, your brain is going to try its hardest to make you find that person. We can then suffer from confirmation bias. This is when people unconsciously select information that supports their views but ignore non-supportive information. So we tell ourselves we had found our soulmate and refuse to believe that they aren’t the one. Eventually, once the honeymoon phase dies down, we realize they are another normal, flawed human being.

In a study published by the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, couples were split into two groups; one was exposed to terms like “made for each other” and “we are one,” while the other group was given phrases like “look how far we’ve come,” implying love is more a journey than it is mandated by destiny. Participants were asked to rank their overall relationship satisfaction. Couples in the “journey” group had, as a whole, more positive responses than those who were conditioned to think of love in terms of finding your soul mate.

Perfection isn’t human. Human beings are not perfect. What evokes our love — and I mean love, not lust — is the imperfection of the human being. So, when the imperfection of the real person peaks through, say, ‘This is a challenge to my compassion.’ Then make a try, and something might begin to get going. — Joseph Campbell, Mythologist, writer, and lecturer.

The ONE reason you WILL. Love finds a way.

Hands up any single person who feels a little down after reading these reasons, why they will never find the one. Or those in relationships who are now questioning whether they are with the right person.

Well, just like a Rom-Com, this article has a happy ending. And like a Rom-Com, there are no scientific facts behind this — but love will always overcome.

Example I

I had a bad marriage. There were a few moments of joy, but on the whole, it was a soulless partnership.

When I divorced, I was determined to find the perfect partner. If I were to enter another long-term relationship, I had to make sure it was right. I didn’t want another failure on my hands. After several years of searching, I was none the closer.

Then I met someone. On paper, she wasn’t the one. She was eleven years younger than me. She didn’t want children. She didn’t even live in the same hemisphere as me.

Luckily our lives aren’t lived on paper. We took the plunge and six years later are getting married. We have grown together and become each other's soulmates. If I had fixated on finding someone to tick all the boxes on my The One Application, I would forever have a relationship vacancy.

Call it fate, call it destiny or call it the Hollywood movie ending, but love found a way for us.

Example II

After our talk at lunch, Kate broke up with the person she was positive was the one. She decided to change her attitude and threw herself into online dating, deciding to give everyone a chance. Regardless of their looks, background, age, her never-ending checklist was thrown out.

Kate focused on self-care and self-reflection and adopted a more relaxed attitude. What will be, will be, became her new mantra.

Kate had a lot of fun and met many people she would never have the opportunity to connect with. She made a lot of good friends and new experiences. After several months, she got serious with one of them.

In many ways, this new man was different from all the others I had met or heard about from Kate. It has been a year, and they are still together. Kate has never been happier. She hasn’t ever said that he is the one, but in my opinion, he very well could be.

Final thoughts

Cupid will shoot his arrow at you many times in your life. Sometimes his aim is accurate, sometimes it misses. But eventually, Cupid will connect you with the one.

In the meantime, you can help him by doing the following:

  • Work on yourself first. Only with the right mindset can you attract the right person. Self-love is an attractive trait and, as such, will attract mates. The best time to find someone is when you’re 100% content with who you are.
  • Forget perfection and let someone grow with you into something that approaches the ideal. You won’t find the perfect match or soulmate at first, but together you can evolve into each other’s soulmate. It’s hard work, but don’t forget you need to focus on progress, not perfection.
  • Ignore the math. Remove the pressure that you place on yourself. Love isn’t an exact science.

NASA-roboticist-turned-comic-creator Randall Munroe explored the math and science of finding your soulmate in What If?: Serious Scientific Answers to Absurd Hypothetical Questions. After running through the numbers and probability, which represented a very bleak picture, he concluded with;

A world of random soul mates would be a lonely one. Let’s hope that’s not what we live in.

I agree. Love isn’t based on math. Let love do its thing.

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