What If Trump Was a Stock Broker?

Anupam Chugh

His excuses shall continue

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Donald Trump has a unique style of speaking. Ask anybody around and they’ll all tell you that he has the most fantastic dialect.

In an alternate universe, Trump is looking to start his own brokerage firm. By leveraging his linguistic skills, he could surely lure new traders into opening an account. Yet, you’d hear a lot of excuses from him.

When asked about other stock brokers

Listen, folks, a lot of people come up to me. Let me tell you, people come up to me. Small traders. Unprofitable traders. They say, sir — “people call me sir” — people come up to me and ask, why are Wall Street’s brokerage commissions so high?

Look, let me tell you something about commissions. They’re heavy, very heavy. In fact, they’re so heavy that most day traders can’t afford it.

Now, we have a real problem here. And what I wanna do is find the root cause.

On launching his own brokerage firm

I mean look, nobody knows about trades better than me, that I can tell you.

So, I’m going to build a firm, a HUGE firm, a brokerage of brokerage firms, the best brokerage firm in the history of the world. I mean, we’re just beginning. This is only the start. Traders are going to love it.

On commission charges

Folks, we charge very low commissions. Analysts say it is the lowest they have ever seen. It was so low they couldn’t even believe we’re profitable. They had to check my tax returns just to be sure. They said no one keeps such low margins ever. Simply amazing.

On onboarding new traders

Traders, we give good recommendations. Great recommendations. The best recommendations. And when we get down to the end you’re going to see outstanding returns. It’s going to be absolutely tremendous.

When the stock market crashes

It was a bigly, bad day for our investors. Very bad. The worst day in the history of trades. But believe me, nobody, and I mean nobody, has seen stock market crashes like me. 2007–08 financial crisis. Sad days. Gloomy days. Negative returns.

But look, look at the EU. Look at what happened in the European markets. We’re doing much much better. Don’t worry, we’re very much under control.

When the market bounces back

Fantastic. We had the biggest stock market bounce in history yesterday. The best day ever. The stocks are going all the way up and people say we’re doing it.

The investors that I know are so happy. They call me and say thank you. They say, Donald, you have given us the best returns. Phenomenal.

When stimulus talks fail

I don’t print money. I don’t have money. Feds print the money. I know nothing about printing money. They call me up and say, “the stock market has a problem and we need to know how to solve the problem” so I said okay, pass the stimulus deal. Now, Feds are holding off the trillion-dollar package and I won’t blame myself. Ask Nancy!

When he forgets to auto-square off positions

Square-offs? What square-offs? I haven’t square-off any positions in years. Decades.

When his firm is on the verge of shutting down

The fake news is saying very, very nasty things about me. They said I did a poor job. And that the firm is low on cash. It’s all fake. Fake news. We’re going an absolutely terrific job. But they don’t want you to hear the truth. I know people, good people, some of the best, who can confirm this.

This story was originally published in The Haven.

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