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Some of us are completely romantic in the way we approach love. We spend our whole life dreaming of finding our special someone . We fantasize about how our relationship will progress and lead to the most beautiful connection with someone who loves us, and if we are lucky that someone chooses a relationship with us for a life time. The problem for many of us is once the opportunity of love finds us we sometimes unconsciously sabotage our connections ourselves . Unfortunately it's difficult to stop this behavior because we are unaware that it is ourselves preventing us from having the life we would truly love to have. Here are 4 ways that you may be sabotaging your own opportunities for love and how to get out of your own way .
1. You are in search of the perfect love.
The first and probably the most common way you are sabotaging your chance for love is you want a perfect love. People in search of a perfect love never find it simply because love is not perfect . A lot of times people that want the perfect love want a fantasy that they have been designing in their head since they hit puberty. Some of these fantasies may have come from unrealistic movies they watched growing up, or they may come from a skewed perception of a love they witnessed growing up like their parents. The love we witness on television or in romance novels are only for entertainment purposes. The love we witness from our parents and elders is biased as well because we only see the love from an outside perspective. Children do not fully understand what their parents have gone through to get the love style they have. In most cases parents safe guard their children away from the challenges in their relationship to protect them from worrying about it. Adult children forget to consider that they do not actually know their parents the way their parents known each other. In reality the loves we may have believed were perfect that we aspired to have growing up was actually filled with the basic challenges that it takes to grow a successful union with someone. We must abandon the fantasy if we are to find true love because holding on to a unrealistic fantasy only prevents us from creating the real thing for ourselves.
To get out of the habit of searching for a love based in fantasy the first thing we must do is understand that all great loves are different. When you come together with someone else your success in your relationship is how well you compromise and build a life together that matches both of your wants and needs. You can't be your parents or characters from a Disney movie. Your wants and needs combined with someone else may be a totally different love story and you must invest the time to allow your real and true story to unfold. If you run away from every relationship that could possibly be a great match for small flaws that don't fit the narrative of your expectations you will always be disappointed. No one is perfect and no relationship is perfect. If you want a strong and positive relationship you must be willing to make it so with someone else who is as dedicated as you are.
2.You have been hurt in past relationships and no longer trust someone to love you.
At some point in most of our life's we experience a painful relationship that makes us afraid to fall in love again. What's ironic is for some reason when we are feeling this way we often meet people who fall in love with us quickly. Unfortunately due to past pain we are unable to properly give the love back that we receive and we unknowingly sabotage our opportunity to find the kind of love we truly deserve.
To prevent this from happening to us the first thing we should do is properly heal ourselves before we try to push ourselves back into a relationship again. When you are still hurting from past pain it's natural to react the same way a wounded animal would act. You will be to
guarded to trust someone to let them get close to you, and if they do get close to you they do so with a threat to their own heart. It's not fair to someone who loves you or could love you to get hurt because you aren't ready for a relationship yet. After you heal you will have time to process your past relationship and learn from it to build wisdom for your next relationship. You may be slow to build trust at first but just be open and honest with your partner so that they know what to expect.
Love can be scary because we have to take a chance to trust someone and put ourselves out there but it is worth the risk. Nothing good comes into our life without the risk of failure and love is no different. You must learn to trust again because not everyone or every experience will be the same. Some people we meet in our life are just practice for teaching us about ourselves and what is truly important about developing relationships with someone who truly deserves us.
3. You withhold expressing your love out of fear of being vulnerable .
Many people sabotage their relationships with someone who loves them by withholding love and venerability. The reason people do this is because they think by withholding their true feelings that they are in control of the relationship. They initially start this behavior to protect themselves from being hurt because someone has done this to them before in most cases. They are intentionally trying to hold the scale up on their end of give and take by not giving anything to the relationship to make their partner feel secure. They reap all the benefits of the relationship. Meanwhile their partner has to over compensate by chasing them and begging for their love and attention . If you are someone who does this I urge you to stop this immediately. This is a classic defense mechanism to protect yourself but it is also extremely emotionally abusive to other's. This kind of behavior sabotages true love relationships in the end. Someone who will stay with you and allow you to emotionally abuse them is obviously truly in love with you. They should not have to be abused to prove themselves. The person you are dragging to chase you will eventually get tired of not having their needs meet and you not expressing your love to them. They usually began to fall out of love while they are in the relationship and eventually they will leave and never return. All the love you kept hidden away from them and venerability left unexpressed will come rising to the surface and it will be to late to get them back. If you love someone give the love you receive back. Love is not all about taking what someone has to give. Giving love feels just as good as receiving love if not better in some instances. If you are behaving this way in your relationships you should seek professional help to sort out why you are comfortable behaving this way and what started it. It's likely that it stems from trauma that you have not heeled from in the past that is causing you to sabotage your relationships.
4. you think people that really love and desire you are desperate and crazy.
Have you ever meet someone who was crazy in love with you and you just thought they were weird? If not you would be surprised about how common this is. Some people actually runaway from people that they perceive to love them too much. They consider their affection to be too clingy, their love to be smothering, and their attempts at a connection to be too much. The reason that many people sabotage loving relationships with people that show them love is because they have low self worth and self esteem . People with a low self worth and self esteem don't truly understand why anyone would love them, because they don't actually love themselves. They usually have low self worth because they are not used to being loved. They often feel uncomfortable to receive affection and praise because they are not used to it. The best way to avoid sabotaging what could be a beautiful relationship with someone who loves you is to learn to love yourself first before getting into a serious relationships. It sounds cliché but not loving ourselves greatly affect the way we love others and the way we allow them to love us. When we love ourselves we don't question rather we deserve to be loved because we know that we are as deserving as anyone else. If you have a problem receiving love because your self esteem is challenged you should work on building your self esteem first. You can seek help from a counselor or therapist to help you sort out issues or work on your personal goals to increase your feelings about yourself. You should also let your partner know that you are experiencing difficulties with receiving love so that they can help you. Couples counseling could help you and your partner understand each other and teach you how to receive love from your partner.
If you sabotage your love life in any of these ways don't feel down on yourself about it. The only way to change a problem is to acknowledge the fact that you have a problem in the first place. It's unfortunate but most people fall into one of these categories at some point in their life. We are all a work in progress and with the determination to change ourselves for the better we can live the life we want and find love.