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Failed relationships are an unfortunate part of everyone's life, but knowing that it's a necessary pain doesn't make it any easier to cope with. Especially if the relationship that has ended was toxic. Toxic relationship are relationship where you may have experienced patterns of disrespect, lack of support, resentment, dishonesty, jealously and or controlling behavior. The toxic individual may be filled with sarcasm, criticism, or, overt hostility in their communication. They will gaslight you to avoid taking responsibility for their actions, and when they cannot avoid blame they are likely to play the victim to emotionally manipulate you. Relationships like these can hurt your self esteem and self worth. Some people are forever changed when they have been subjected to a toxic relationship. It may make us believe that we will never meet the right person or never be loved by the people we love the most. It doesn't matter if we had to leave or if we were the person left behind. We may still feel down on ourselves and struggle through the healing process to move on. If you are currently experiencing a toxic break up and are experiencing emotional difficulties here are some ways to heal and rebuild your confidence.
1. Take some time to reflect on what you learned about yourself from your toxic relationship.
We all are seeking healthy relationships, but it's the bad ones that help us come to terms with who we actually are and what we truly need. For example, some of us chose companions that are honest about not wanting a commitment and we go for it. Then later we discover that we are uncomfortable with someone who flirts openly with others and disappears on the weekend. A relationship like that helps you to learn that you actually value a committed relationship for yourself.
In my past relationships I began to realize that most of my relationships were codependent both the romantic type and platonic. I was always feeling resentment for the people I formed relationships with. They did not put the same kind of energy into me that I was giving them and it made me feel taken for granted.
It wasn't until I took the time to examine myself that I learned the reason I attract dependent people. It was because I grew up in an environment where my emotions were ignored and punished. The emotional neglect made me believe that my needs were not worth attending to. Therefore I dedicated my time and attention to the wants and needs of other's. I always got the same unsatisfied results because I still had not taken a look at myself to identify how I contributed to the problem. Anytime we avoid our personal truth and responsibility we will likely continue to repeat the same mistakes over and over again. It's important to reflect on our experiences to evolve past toxic behaviors in ourselves and others.
2. Set some healthy goals and boundaries about how you will approach relationships in the future before proceeding to a new relationship.
While you are healing be very gentle with yourself about the way you see yourself in your toxic relationship. We all make mistakes and must learn how to improve who we are so don't call yourself names or make irrational judgments about who you are. Try to avoid harsh criticism that make you feel small and or depressed. If you think you need it try seeing a therapist to help you identify areas where you need work to avoid toxic relationships in the future. You can also identify your own issues by being very honest with yourself about behaviors you may need to change. After you discover what attracted you to toxic relationships make a plan to prevent yourself from doing it again. For example you may decide not to get to infatuated with someone's potential in the future and go solely on there actions. You can avoid dating or exposing yourself to people that are projects that you need to push and motivate to become the person you would like them to be. Just accept that you are not ready for that responsibility when you are trying to do the same for yourself it hinders your progress to do it for others. It does not make you a bad person to set boundaries for yourself and to be aware of what will work for you and what won't. It will benefit you and the relationships you have in the future.
4. Do not stalk your ex!
I know that it can be difficult to not check up and find out what your ex is doing but it is emotionally damaging to yourself to do so. Toxic relationships can be addictive. We become addicted because we want to overcome unresolved pain, chronic feelings of emptiness or overwhelming emotions such as fear, anxiety, anger or sadness. If we continue to seek out our exes we prolong the healing process for ourselves. If you do get any new information about them it won't do anything for you but cause an unhealthy obsession. For myself I will avoid even saying the name of someone I've had to leave behind until I'm truly over them. I personally believe it only manifest the energy to last longer in the attachment. If you have decided to walk away stay away. Do not stalk them on social media, do not ask about them. Go on with your life until they only a distance lesson you had to learn long ago and be grateful for it. Overcoming and learning from experiences of the past lead to a brighter future.
5. avoid returning to your toxic relationship
If stalking your exe is bad for your healing then getting back with them is much worst. I don't care how much they say they changed. You will have to jump back into the fire to find out and you are still healing from the last time they burned you. Move on and let them go. Do not allow yourself to be guilty tripped or emotionally manipulate to go back into a toxic relationship that has already hurt you. Healing from attachments can be very hard but it will stop hurting if we move on and heal. If you return to a toxic relationship the pain will never stop. If you were in a physically abusive relationship you may even be possibly putting your life in danger. Call 1 (800) 799-7233 if you have experienced domestic violence and need help.
6. Date yourself for a little while before considering a new relationship
If you have moved on from your toxic relationship is time to start feeling good about yourself again. Take the time to nourish and revitalize yourself by getting a make over, starting new hobbies or interest and spending time with people who love and appreciate you. You need to mostly work on your self esteem because toxic relationships can rob you of feeling good about yourself.
Always remember that someone else's inability to see your worth and value is not about you it's about them. Toxic people became the way they are because they likely were not valued as well. Therefore they have a skewed perception about the value of other's. Some where out there is someone healthy who will love and appreciate you for who you are but don't be in a rush. You must learn how to comfort, love, and appreciate your own existence. Through self love we learn what real unconditional love looks like and once we value ourselves we lose attraction to those that don't know how to love us properly.