*This article is a work of nonfiction based on actual events recounted to me by a friend who witnessed them firsthand; used with permission
Having a long-term relationship and raising a family with your spouse doesn't necessarily mean they have chosen you permanently, and sometimes you find out what's been going on when you can't change much.
How would you feel if you learned about an affair right on finding out you would have a baby? Would you still leave them or consider working on your relationship for your family's sake? Could you trust your spouse if they have a baby with someone else almost at the same time as your baby?
My friend Nancy, who lives in Phoenix, Arizona, has been married to her husband, Adam, for 11 years. They have three sons together and are thinking about a fourth baby.
"We both want a girl, so we're considering having a fourth baby, even though that will make it harder for me to work. I would be so excited to have a little girl, and I know Adam wants that too. It would make our family complete," Nancy said.
While his wife was busy making sure all house chores got done on time and calling their babysitter several times a day to check whether their kids had everything they needed, Adam slowly began to think their relationship wasn't so exciting anymore. He thought about a change, but he still cared about his kids and Nancy.
"It's not like I want to leave. I wouldn't ever divorce her, and I want to be there for our kids. But something's missing. We're just parenting most of the time. I didn't get married to have a permanent roommate. And she's too tired to think about anything else except the kids on most days; that makes our relationship so boring," Adam said.
Nancy usually goes to sleep after midnight because her husband won't help much with cleaning, cooking, and other chores. He mostly comes home and watches TV after she serves him dinner, saying he's very tired from the office in Phoenix.
"I work more hours than he does, and he still won't help. I generally just do it all myself because arguing after a long day at work in Phoenix needs more energy than just doing what needs to be done," the mom said.
Things went on this way for several months, and Adam started noticing one of his new coworkers. She had just left her boyfriend and felt sad most of the time.
"I wanted to encourage her and make her see there were other opportunities around her. There was no need to keep thinking about the relationship that ended. I talked more to her to keep her positive, and we went out for lunch a few times," Adam said.
They were friends for a few weeks, but then his coworker asked Adam if he'd like to go out on a date. And he didn't think twice before agreeing.
"It had been years since I'd gone out with anyone else. I wasn't going to do anything wrong; I just wanted to forget about the stress at work and have a good time, maybe even feel someone noticed me," Adam said.
He told his wife he was going to do overtime that evening, and, at 6 p.m., he and his coworker, Alicia, went to a restaurant in Phoenix to have dinner.
They had such a good time that they decided to do it again in a few days. And from then, they kept seeing each other at least two times a week and sometimes spent their evenings in Alicia's apartment in Phoenix.
"It wasn't exactly a relationship because she knew I wasn't going to divorce, and I wanted to look after my kids. I still loved my wife too, but in a different way," Adam said.
Six months after they began dating, Alicia found out she was pregnant. At the same time, Nancy had many doubts about her husband's work schedule because he wasn't earning more for his overtime. She decided to check what was happening and, while driving after him, she saw him with his coworker.
"They were very close, and he kept calling he darling and telling her how much he loved her. And all this time, he couldn't even help me with house chores. He needed more free hours for this," Nancy said.
When she told Adam she knew about his affair, he admitted he'd been seeing Alicia for several months and added that she was pregnant.
"I wasn't prepared for that. I had just learned that morning that I was pregnant myself. He told me he got a coworker pregnant; I'm going to have a baby. And I don't know if I should stay married to him. He won't even promise to let that woman go because he says he'll take care of her baby, too," Nancy said.
Alicia called her to let her know she would do all she could to convince Adam to divorce her and end their relationship. She talked about it to her parents, and they feel a divorce would be the solution, but Nancy is hesitant to let go of her family and doesn't know how to tell her sons about their dad's affair.
What do you think about this situation? Should Nancy try to trust her husband, or is it useless since he already went out with someone else and disrespected her and their relationship? Is it better for Nancy to end her marriage instead of resenting her husband and the other baby?
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