*This article is a work of nonfiction based on actual events recounted to me by a friend who witnessed them firsthand; used with permission
Counting on your parents as you grow up is essential for a child, and knowing they will always be there for you is a great relief when life gets uncertain.
But what should you do when one of your parents keeps pressuring you for something you don't want to do? Can you just refuse to visit until they change their mind, or is affection more important than any disagreement?
My friend Janet is in her last year of college, and she's been living at home with her mom ever since she was a baby. She hasn't moved away for college because it was easier to handle bills like that than cover rent too.
Her mom, Alice, has always been very close to her daughter, and they could talk about almost anything.
"I could ask her anything, and she'd explain without making me feel I shouldn't have asked. But once I was no longer a teenager, I felt she expected different things from me," Janet said.
Alice told her daughter marriage is an essential part of life and that it's based on finding a partner who can love and respect her for many years. And she also thought a lot about grandkids and looking after them.
"It's a sort of goal for her, to become a grandmother. The only problem is I always told her I don't want kids, and I haven't changed my mind. But each time I bring it up, she says it's because I haven't met the right person," Janet said.
Janet decided she won't have kids when she was a teen, and she hasn't kept it from her mom. The problem is Alice has plenty of friends who are already grandmothers and is feeling left behind.
"I know she keeps visiting her friends, and they're all looking after babies, but why should I feel bad about that? She should know what I want by now and respect it," Janet said.
Two weeks ago, her mom asked her to come over so they could talk some more. As soon as she arrived, Janet realized the talk would be about kids since her mom had plenty of wedding brochures and stroller magazines on the kitchen table.
Janet simply repeated what she'd said many times before. Even though she's in a stable relationship and is planning to get married within two years, kids are not part of her goals. And her partner feels the same way.
Unfortunately, Alice refused to see her point of view and kept asking her when the wedding would be and if she was already thinking about pregnancy clothes. Janet got upset seeing her mom didn't listen to a word she'd said, and they argued.
"She's not talking to me after I said she won't be a grandmother; she changed the house key too. Now I can't visit at all unless she invites me over. And since she's not picking up the phone, I can't get in touch with her," Janet said.
Alice talked to her friends about her daughter's decision, and they advised her to accept it, but she's not ready to give up yet.
"On some level, I feel she's taking my decision as a failure for her. And it's not about her at all. Whether I want a family or not doesn't depend on my mom's requests. I have a separate life from her. And my boyfriend and I make our own choices," Janet said.
Things are tense for now, and Alice hasn't called or texted for over five days. In the meantime, Janet is thinking about passing by the house while she's doing gardening to get a chance to see her that way and maybe end the argument.
How do you think this situation should be handled? Is it fair for Alice to get upset with her daughter for not wanting kids even though she's told her that for many years? Should Janet reconsider just to make her mom happy?
Comments / 210