*This article is a work of nonfiction based on actual events recounted to me by a friend who witnessed them firsthand; used with permission
Having siblings often gives rise to competition, particularly if one of them was used to being an only child for several years. And when the brothers or sisters are adopted, there is a different dynamic inside the family because the first child decides how to behave towards the new member of the household.
Whether they will look at them as truly their sibling will depend on the parents' strategy, and often, even with the best intentions, distance will still be there and even rejection.
My friend Mary has been married to her husband John for 12 years. During this time, they had one daughter, Christina. They both wanted more kids, but they weren't able to have any more children of their own.
"I was very sad and disappointed when I found out I wouldn't be a mom again. I kept hoping maybe it would still happen, but when Christina was in her second grade, I finally realized it wouldn't. It was hard for John and me; the house felt empty. It's not that we don't love our daughter, but we always pictured a home full of laughing kids, plenty of cooking, and chores," the mom said.
The couple tried to accept the situation, and they both focused on looking after their daughter and making sure she always had what she needed. As time went by and Christina went to kindergarten and then to school, they realized they still wanted kids.
And this time, they didn't want to stop just because they couldn't have any. John and Mary began considering adoption, and after they had long talks with each other, their friends, and the rest of their family, they got to the conclusion that it was the right choice for them.
"We hadn't thought of it before because we were so focused on the kids looking like us, but then we understood that it wasn't the only thing that mattered. Connecting to each other and parenting are worth a lot more than how your kid looks," Mary said.
Once they made up their mind, their parents supported them to go ahead and make their family complete. They soon met Elias, who had lost both his parents a few months before. He was in kindergarten, and the couple instantly felt drawn to him.
"We did think of adopting a baby, but that day when we met Elias changed our lives. There couldn't be any other son for us once we got to talk to him and felt how much he needed a family; he needed us just as much as we needed him," the mom said.
They also brought Christina to meet the little boy, but she wasn't very interested in playing with him.
"It was like they just let me know he'd be my brother. No one asked me if I had agreed before. They only told me after the decision was made. Why do I have to accept him?" their daughter said.
Once Elias moved in with the couple and their daughter, things got more relaxed, but there was still a marked distance between the two kids.
"We felt Christina wasn't trying at all. We sat her down and talked to her; we explained why Elias being there was the nicest thing that could happen to all of us, but she just started crying and said we didn't like her anymore. That's not true; we love her just as much as before," Mary said.
Unfortunately, things have yet to improve, and the parents are still trying to figure out a way to get the two kids to become close.
"They will share toys or open presents together, but that's it. Even chores Christina insists on doing separately from him," Mary added.
And the thing that bothers her parents most is the fact that she won't call Elias "brother." After telling her several time that they really were siblings, Mary stopped talking to her daughter for three days, hoping that maybe she would finally start doing it.
"She stopped talking to me because I don't want the boy she adopted. He's not my brother, and I'm not sorry. If they don't want me anymore, they should just say that instead of pushing me to do things I don't want to. We were ok without him, a lot better than now," Christina said.
Her grandparents also tried to intervene by making cakes for both kids and encouraging them to come by together, but Christina didn't want any part of it.
What do you think about this situation? Is it fair for Mary to stop talking to her daughter because she doesn't think Elias is her brother? Should the couple have discussed their decision to adopt in more detail with their daughter before going ahead?
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