Satire: Not to Sugarcoat It or Anything, But Cooking Is So Tedious and Boring

Aimée Gramblin

Not to sugarcoat things, but I can, and have, burnt a pot of water. That's how much I enjoy cooking.

That is to say, I find cooking boring. It’s tedious.

It’s tiring.

I have to read the instructions. The kitchen has to be semi-clean.

Washing my hands over and over is a pain in the booty: crack an egg — wash your hands; take a writing break — wash your hands; get cookie dough all over your hands — wash your hands. The handwashing is relentless.

It’s a ding-dang boring time, cooking is.

That’s why I tasked my 9-year-old daughter with making ALL my gluten-free oatmeal cookies over the last several months. She has been a good sport — until this week.

This week she said, “Mom, you make the cookies!”

“But, I don’t have the recipe.” I tried evading her.

“Yes you do — you texted it to me.”

“It’s buried now. Find it for me,” I sighed, defeated.

Grumbling with a cup of coffee in hand, I looked at the recipe. Wow — only 11 easy ingredients. Preheat the oven to 350 Fahrenheit. 22 minutes total time. I can spare 22 minutes. I could even multi-task and watch an episode of Parks and Rec.

Maybe I’d enjoy making these cookies. And, I could finally say I’ve cooked something for myself.

I got busy. I dumped oats, flour, baking soda, salt, brown sugar, coconut sugar, melted butter, egg, cinnamon, and vanilla into the bowl and mixed it all together.

Then I did what my daughter does — added random stuff: coconut shreds, ground flaxseed, white chocolate chips, and cashews. I made the dough into cookie-shaped dough balls.

Did I mention I don’t like to cook? Thank goodness this was a short recipe. The dough stuck to my hands. I do not like that feeling. Eeeeewwwww! I got 6 big cookies on the parchment-lined cookie sheet and baked at 350 for 10 minutes.

When I checked them…they seemed a little raw. My daughter said, “Smash them down, Mom.” I got a fork, smashed them down, and cooked for 2 more minutes.

After letting them cool, I sampled one.

I closed my eyes, the sweetness hitting my taste buds in a rush of comfort. This. This must be why people cook.

It was the darndest thing — they tasted good. Really good.

My daughter says now that she knows I can make cookies, she is done making them for me. Finite! The End. That’s it, Mom!

Cook your own darn cookies!

And, I will. They’re easy. And, I’m worth it.

Recipe adapted from Oatmeal Scotchies (Gluten-Free)

Originally published in MuddyUm on August 12, 2020.

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